I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
