i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
