My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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