I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
