She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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