I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
the raccoons are back...
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