i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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