Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
