I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
