So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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