Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Barsexuality is the new black.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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