You're completely useless in the revolution.
she was so not down for the gang bang
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
