you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
