At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
