he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
