I met the friendliest cop last night
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
we're so committed to being not committed
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
