I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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