just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
