she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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