Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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