I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
