i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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