well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
