She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I am midnight drunk by noon
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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