dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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