He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
