and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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