Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
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