she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
