Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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