either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
