She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
