I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
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