Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
is wine microwaveable?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
