I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
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Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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