I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
