I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
