It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
