and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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