I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
