I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
