the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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