the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
