Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My pussy is not your playground.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
