I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
