Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
