Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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