I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
