Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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