He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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