My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If I die, sorry about rent.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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