No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
