if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
