i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
