I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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