$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
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That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
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I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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