This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
