some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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