my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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